


Is My Love Even Love?

by Moonfishh



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aromantic, Asexual, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Haikyuu - Freeform, Humor, Innocence, Kenma, KuroKen - Freeform, Kuroo - Freeform, LGBTQ, M/M, Nekoma, Sweet, haikyuuau, haikyuuprideau
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:20:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23523724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonfishh/pseuds/Moonfishh
Summary: Kuroo and Kenma are sweet idiots who don't know where they fit in, but it's somewhere in each other arms. Where understanding and communication can save more than their friendship.Late night conversations. Basically a coming out fic.
Relationships: Kozume Kenma & Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 4
Kudos: 36





	Is My Love Even Love?

**Author's Note:**

> This is an asexual and aromantic fic with Kuroo and Kenma because I feel the two subjects need more representation and it is possible to be both at the same time. There are different levels to how aromantic or asexual you are and you may have different needs and wants, but this is just the two characters own stages.
> 
> The point of the fic is just to reveal how scary it an be to not know what you want, and doesn't intend to be hateful to any others/ They're just confused bois :')

It was an irrefutable fact that Kenma was just something else. He always had been in Kuroos eyes, although it hadn’t seemed apparent back in the day.

It was just the potency Kenma carried with him at all times. An enigma. Someone you didn't think about, but was very much there. He was reserved and silent, but when it came to, he could very much be seen if he wanted to.

Someone you didn't think you’d have to be worried about until it was you under the heel of his boot. But again, it had never been evident to Kuroo who only saw him as soft and sleepy, tired from too many video games, and a bit of a brat.

Of course he was aware of the brass way his best friend could talk, cutting him down with words too efficacious for Kuroo to even try to battle back with, his own arguments and protests standing on wobbly legs.

“But Kenma remember I woke up at 4am to stand in the freezing morning just to wait for your new game release!” Kuroo had rehashed one evening.

“Your point being?” Kenma asked lazily, the game in his hands pulling the majority percent of his focus. The very same game they had woken up at 4 fucking am in the morning for. 

“My point being that you can totally wake up one or two hours earlier for morning volleyball practice, you- you….trumpet” Kuroo grumbled.

His hand knotted in the fabric of Kenmas jacket as he guided him from not walking off the path on the journey from their school to their home. Or well, homes. They were neighbours, but if he were being honest, they spent more time at Kuroos house than rationality allowed.

“Trumpet” Kenma had repeated, having paused his game. He tilted his head in Kuroos direction, who had his eyebrows drawn. They released from their tight scrunch upon having to defend himself and his answer.

“Well y’know. Trumpets are loud” Kuroo had shrugged one side of his shoulder, as if his newly spoken words hadn't just brought more confusion to the previous remark.

“Trumpets are loud; I am not. Keijis boyfriend is a trumpet” Kenma had stated.

“Yea, but I bet it’s really loud up here” Kuroo had smirked and tapped Kenmas forehead, much to the blondes obvious dismay.

But Kenma did not fight anymore on it. Kuroo was unknowingly his biggest exception. The next day he stomped up to the Kozume household, prepared to fight tooth and nail, dragging the blonde out of his bed for volleyball. But, he was given the opposite; a very enervated, drained Kenma, groggily brushing his teeth, only one sock encompassing his left foot.

Kuroo set off to find the matching sock with a giddy smile and a light heart.

One could most likely guess how Kuroo felt about his best friend. The fact being, he was in love with Kenma. His feelings were so palpable, so discernible, it had been obvious. Childhood friends to lovers. What a cliche. A beautiful cliche that was all his to claim.

And the very conclusive fact to sum it up all was that there was nowhere near any confessions made. It was a silent mutual love. From the way Kuroo made Kenma eat his vegetables, to the way Kenma curled up to him on even the warmest nights, and the exchanged tender I love you’s not being differentiable to the I love you’s filled with warm friendship.

Oddly enough, Kuroo was okay with that, and he knew it was the preferred way Kenma would want it too. He liked to think he knew a lot about Kenma, maybe even everything about him. And besides, it was too early to bring it up. Because deep down inside, Kuroo didn’t know if what he felt was actual love...

He loved Kenma as an individual. Kuroo was absolutely fascinated by him as a person and with everything he did. He wanted to keep Kenma close and tucked away. But there were no exact romantic feelings, no sexual feelings. And that kind of scared him...so how could he say it was love when it might not be.

So when it came to one night in particular (a weekend on which they would undeniably be at Kuroos place) the words Kenma had spoken to him deep in the night had made him pale.

“Kenma, Kenma I can’t sleep” Kuroo whispered, conveying well established whining in his voice. 

“Maybe if you would shut up” Kenma had mumbled into the side of his shoulder.

“But my brain would still be awake,” Kuroo argued.

When there was no reply, Kuroo shuffled so he was on his side, face to face with Kenma, who groaned as his cheek had been propped up on the ravens shoulder.

“Kenma, come on, I can't sleepppp” he pouted.

“Yea, well I can, so goodnight” Kenma muttered, and tried to shift to his other side. Kuroo caught him with a hand, nudging him back.

It wasn't hard. He was very pliable when sleepy. If he wanted, maybe he could fold Kenma into a pretzel. Not that he would try, or that it was physically possible. Was it? 

“We just played like five hours straight of Mario Kart and Borderlands, how can your brain switch off so easily”.

“I haven't slept in two days and I'm actively trying to avoid talking to you so I won't reveal that I stepped on and broke your very expensive graphics calculator yesterday”.

Kenma was obviously more awake with the clearness of his voice. But his eyes still remained shut.

“I’m gonna pretend I didn't hear that” Kuroo narrowed his eyes.

“And ignore my heartfelt admission?” Kenmas eyes fluttered open, gaze hooded with sleepiness.

“Don’t be rude” Kuroo stuck out his tongue.

“Don’t be so easily forgiving”.

“Impossible”.

“Then shut up”.

“Rude”.

…

“Kenma, are you asleep?.

“If I pretended I was, would you shake me awake?” Kenma huffed.

“The probability is high,” Kuroo nodded to himself.

Kenma drew in a large breath, exhaling slowly before his eyes were blinking open, wide and attentive.

“Okay, I'm alive. What’s the plan, captain?” Kenma muttered, sarcastically.

“Sing to me till I fall asleep?” Kuroo cocked an eyebrow, grin ticking up higher on one side of his face.

“That’s a poor choice of words right there,” Kenma pointed out.

Kuroo propped himself up on his elbow so he could look downwards at the blonde, smirk painfully visible.

“Are you saying you wont serenade me?”.

“Oh, I'm suddenly so...sleepy” Kenma trailed off, eyes closing.

“Hey! Okay I get it, something else” Kuroo shook his shoulder till golden eyes were flicking open again, dull and bored.

“Just like...I don't know. Maybe we can talk until I fall asleep” Kuroo suggested, weakly.

“If the conversation isn't interesting enough, I’ll surely fall asleep before you” Kenma spoke in a monotone voice.

“Hmm…” Kuroo pursed his lips in thought. “What about truth or dare?” he asked, lying down so he was on side again.

“I didn't know we were trying to recreate a fifth grader's birthday party. Give me more warning next time and I'll be sure to mention how you peed your pants on the slide”.

“Wow you get so catty when you're tired, and I was five!”.

“Five and already destroying experiences for everyone everywhere. There were a good number of kids behind you, just saying” Kenma cocked an eyebrow.

“Oh, we’re pulling up past shit now, huh? Want me to talk about how you walked in on Hinata-”.

“Okay, okay” Kenma groaned, slapping his own face with obvious regret.

“Don’t want to hear about the literal sunshine having such possible sins, do you?” Kuroo chuckled lowly.

“Shoyo is human. I would expect him to have the needs of one” Kenmas face scrunched up in distaste at the memory.

“He wouldn't make eye contact with you for a week” Kuroo wheezed, clutching at his stomach. The action shook the bed slightly, and Kenma narrowed his eyes at him with barefaced annoyance.

“Hurry up and let’s play truth or dare so I can go to sleep,” Kenma sighed.

“Well...I don’t know about you, but I'm definitely not keen on putting one foot out of bed right now. So it's more like truth or truth if you think about it and-”.

“Kuroo”.

“Okay, truth or da- truth?” Kuroo asked.

“I wonder which it could be” Kenma sucked the insides of his teeth, pretending to think about the choices with great force.

“Ugh, fine. Umm...hmm...Do you ever… talk to yourself in the mirror?” Kuroo questioned.

Kenma looked at him with such still dullness that Kuroo thought maybe he had gone to sleep with his eyes open for a moment.

“No...do you?” Kenma asked, a now snickering laugh on the edge of his voice.

Kuroo twisted his mouth in thought.  
“Does yelling at your bed hair in the bathroom every morning count?”.

“No”.

“Rightio. You're turn then” Kuroo smiled.

“What's your...favorite colour?” Kenma asked with a muddled frown.

“Kenma!” he whined.

“At this time, my brain has no capacity to receive information and then ask questions in return. Sorry for the inconvenience”. Kenma huffed, and Kuroo sulked.

“That’s okay...I guess I'll just lie here all night while you sleep. But it’s fine. I didn't need rest anyway. It’s whatever” Kuroo heaved a huge sigh.

“As a responsible third year and captain of a sports team, you really have a flair for the dramatic, don't you?”.

“Don’t forget to add loved by mothers to that list” Kuroo pointed at him with a flick of his wrist and a grin.

“Okay. What’s something you haven't told me before” Kenma asked. 

And although the words were said with such a sense of lethargy to it, Kenma eyes squinting to stay open, it had hit Kuroo like a slap to the face. Nothing came to mind.

“I…” he trailed off, face scrunching in thought.

“I once drank the water of my old goldfish tank?”.

“I knew that” Kenma deadpanned.

“I snuck 50 dollars from my parents wallets?”.

“We used that money to go towards a new gaming controller. Again, I knew that already”.

“I~” he drew out the word, eyes darting around the room, as if a secret piece of knowledge would be waiting for him to read off the wall.

“I know that Yaku and Lev secretly have something going on” Kuroo wiggled his eyebrows. “Betcha didn't know that” he clicked his tongue.

“You know they're dating right?” Kenma asked with a yawn.

“They’re what! When did this happen” Kuroo slapped a hand on the mattress with distemper.

“When you were at the dentist last afternoon practice” Kenma shrugged, softly.

“Aghhh, Kenma” Kuroo rolled onto his back, throwing his hands up into his hair to clutch at the locks. “This could take all night, there's absolutely nothing I know that you don’t know!”.

“Well I didn't know dumbness was a genetic predisposition”.

“Wow, really” Kuroo deadpanned.

“...There must be something” Kenma eyes flickered, looking very close to shutting down for the night.

Kuroo turned his head to look sideways over at Kenma, dropping his arms to his side.

“Okay, then. What’s something you've never told me before?” Kuroo raised an eyebrow in challenge. Kenmas eyes were closed, but he hummed as he thought of an answer with a wide yawn.

...

“I...love you” Kenma mumbled.

The silence was a poison to Kuroo, for in that void of sound the shallowness of their conversation was laid bare. What used to be witty banter and resharing of memories was utterly vapid. It was recycled and turned into a tense moment, in which Kuroo did nothing but lay there.

He felt his body freeze, his blood freeze, his arteries freeze, he felt himself pale. Because surely he had heard wrong. That weird string of words from Kenmas mouth.

“You... what?” Kuroo asked slowly, eyes blinking rapidly at Kenma's face.

Kenmas eyes flickered open, eyes suddenly wide. His eyelashes fluttered rapidly and his lips parted slightly, looking as if he hadn’t meant to say the few words he had just spoken.

A strand of hair fell from behind his ear and over his face. If it were any other time, Kuroo might think that cute and tuck it neatly behind his hair with a tender smile. But right now he was utterly freaking out. 

“I uh..love you I suppose” Kenmas eyes darted around the room.

The room felt...smaller, tighter, tenting inwards with its looming high ceilings that Kuroo had never really considered creepy before. He swallowed, and it shouldn't have been so loud. It seemed to be amplified in the soundless capacity of the diminishing walls of the room.

It felt so small, but he felt so open, wide and vulnerable. Perhaps that was just his emotions though. The very one’s he didn't know how to communicate, and that scared him more than anything.

“You love me?” Kuroo asked, voice sounding hoarse, more strained than before.

Kenma was starting to look worried, his eyes vulnerable with hurt. He shuffled in place, looking as if he wanted to throw the covers off and escape. Kuroo wanted to stop that, wanted to grab his wrist and tell him it was alright. But he couldn't seem to move himself.

Oh god, the dread weighed so heavily in his chest he wasn't sure if he was breathing anymore. 

His light breathing could be counted as nothing. It was ragingly stuffy, and every breath he took felt like he was just breathing in the exact same one he had just exhaled.

“Kenma, you can’t love me. You just can’t” he finally managed to get out.

And there it was, the major strike. Kenma seemed to flinch at the words, curling his shoulders more inwards.

He had long shadowing eyelashes against round cheeks and messy hair that could put Kuroos to shame. And he knew that didn't look like the face of an asshole, but Kenma was again “something else”. He probably put that joking idea in his head, knowing that he was about to drift off, and would leave Kuroo in startling confusion for the rest of the night.

Right. Kenma was just a loveable asshole who had somehow been so convincing with a few words. He could scoff right now. 

“But, I do” Kenma spoke.

The dread settled deep down in his chest, carving out a pit to lay. This couldn’t happen. Kuroo didn’t want to hurt anyone. He could hurt himself by thinking about how broken he was, how he could love Kenma and Kenma wouldn't love him back really. But now Kenma was confessing, and it didn't fit into his structure. Kuroo was supposed to be just happy longing after something he would never get, because he didn’t deserve it.

“You don’t. I don’t want you to” Kuroo gulped.

“Oh” Kenmas small voice echoed.

They say the eyes are windows to the soul. Kuroo looked into Kenmas eyes now. He could see anger, he could see sadness, he could see anxiousness. Mostly he just saw the hurt. 

He didn’t want this. He had to do something, say something.

“You don't understand” Kuroo licked his lips.

“I can’t give you what you need. There- there’s something wrong with me. I can’t be romantic, it sickens me. As much as I tease and joke and flirt, when it comes to the real thing, I feel nothing. I feel disgusted that I feel nothing and others do. I’m not sexually attracted to anyone. I never have. I don’t feel a n y t h i n g. I might as well be broken”.

Kenma was now looking even more startled, maybe even mortified. And yet Kuroo was there, on the brink of tears. Because he was finally letting it all out, finally telling someone how he felt.

“Kuroo, don’t say that” Kenma choked out, looking on the verge of crying himself.

“Why not. I’m broken, I’m broken, I’m broken. I’ll never find love because I won't be able to feel the same way about them and they’ll hate me for it even though I can’t control it. I’ll grow up and be alone like that weird uncle who visits their friends' kids. Because that can’t be me. I’ve tried and I've tried and that’s not me, and I don’t think it ever will be” Kuroos voice dropped off, sounding drained.

“That sounds scary…” Kenma mumbled.

“It is scary. You have no idea” Kuroo bit his lip hard. 

“I do have an idea” Kenma inhaled sharply and exhaled heavily.

“You don't Kenma. You don’t and you love me” Kuroo muttered. Suddenly it felt too overwhelming to be near Kenma. Both of them on their sides, looking at each other's faces and spilling out their emotions. It was too intimate.

“Do you not love me back?” Kenmas eyebrows raised.

A sudden pain struck Kuoos heart.

“I...I’m not sure”.

“Can you explain a little more?” Kenma pushed.

Kuroo shook his head. Why was Kenma trying so hard? Did he know something Kuroo didn't. Did he just want Kuroo to admit how stupidly idiotic he was being about this. He shouldn't be dramatizing this so much should he.

“Just try, for me” Kenma spoke eagerly.

Kuroo inhaled shakily. For Kenma.

“I... love you like an object... and that’s horrible of me. I want no one to have you but I can’t have you myself. I admire you and your actions no matter what you do like some kind of weirdo. When I think of loving you, my heart beats, but my stomach feels sick. I think of kissing you and I feel sick”.

N-not that kissing you would be disgusting” Kuroo raised his hands above his chest in innocence. 

“Just any form of romance makes me feel put off...like I don't deserve to since I don't feel as strongly. Because I don't feel the same way as you do”.

“So you know the way I feel then?” Kenma narrowed his eyes in challenge.

“Well...no” Kuroo admitted, guiltily.

“That’s right. You don’t. And if you did then you would know that I feel the same” Kenma clicked his tongue, annoyed.

Kuroo was suddenly so confused.

“The same?”.

“I’m not a romantic. I don’t know if I'm aromantic but everything towards that...I feel…” Kenma trailed off.

“Like it’s unneeded” Kuroo finished. His heart began to beat wildly.

“But… I want to be with you. Whether that’s just friends or something more. I don't care about labels, I just want to be near you. I want to be only yours and only you be mine” Kenma pursed his lips.

Kuroo grimaced. Even though he really didn’t mean to. Yet Kenma saw, as he always did.

“But not that mushy, don't worry” Kenma snorted, and Kuroo physically relaxed. “I honestly just want to exist really”.

“With me?” Kuroo asked.

“With you” Kenma nodded.

“Kenma holy shit” Kuroo raised a hand, smoothing it over his face. His eyes pinched shut and he tried to reign his breathing under control.

“I really don’t know how you did not figure this out. Have you ever seen me all lovey dovey” Kenma gave off a small smile.

“I do see you play those romantic BL games” Kuroo shrugged.

Kenmas smile fell from his face immediately.

“Oh so we just declared our love to each other but we’re not talking about that” Kuroo smirked, cocking an eyebrow.

“Those are just for fun. They’re interesting” Kenma tried to defend himself.

“Mhm” Kuroo hummed knowingly.

“Shut Up, I see you people watch and look too hard at kissing scenes on the TV. What do you call that” Kenma huffed?

“I just wanna see what it’s like” Kuroo pursed his lips.

“Are you also asexual?” Kenma asked, suddenly curious again.

“I don't know. Are you?” Kuroo asked back.

“I don't know. Sometimes it kind of just feels like an itch I need to scratch and get it over with” Kenma ducked his head down further, looking embarrassed. Kuroos eyes lit up, significantly.

“You mean you-”.

“Yes, shut up” Kenma stopped him from continuing.

“Oh and she’s a sinnerrrrrr” Kuroo belted out the lyrics.

“Oh my god” Kenma muttered, rolling his eyes.

“Don’t worry it’s the same for me” Kuroo chuckled “We’ll take care of it when we get to it”.

“Oh...okay” Kenmas face seemed to gain a hint of red.

...

“Hey Kenma” Kuroo mumbled.

“Mhm”.

“Thanks”.

“What for?” Kenma asked, raising his head again.  
“For being in love with me” Kuroo smiled.

“Eugh” Kenma scrunched his nose.

“Haha... I know right” Kuroo chuckled, and he pulled Kenma closer. He obliged, shuffling closer so his head was tucked softly against Kuroos chest. Kenma released a soft sigh.

“I...love you” Kenma mumbled.

“I love you too” Kuroo mumbled into his hair.


End file.
